I want luscious bounce and body in my revolution

The rain splishles in plipples and plooples and all that I can think about is how liberating it would be for me to have hair that bobbles as I walk. Also, it would be spectacular to have a soundtrackle.

I love pseudoalliteration almost as much as I love myself. What is it about vanity that puts people off? I'm not vain, and I go to great lengths to prove it by actively not being vain in front of other people because obviously they're all looking at me and waiting for me to bust a move (for that is indeed what I might do on the bus from time to time). So I constantly shoot other people looks to figure out what percentages of their brains are occupied by me and my dry split ends. Also, I wonder if they can hear my soundtrack. It's really good. Danny Elfman and Michael Nyman are always getting into their shenanigans while Zbigniew Preisner packs his Polish cable runner into a suitcase and ships him to the West, and Eric Serra makes really interesting sounds by hitting John Tesh over the head with a Korg.

It holds me together.

Actually though, this is what everyone else is thinking:

That guy keeps looking at me. Can I see my reflection in the bus window? Alright, I need to do this without anyone noticing that I'm doing it because that would be vain. I know, I'll act like I'm gazing at that homeless guy across the street with a look of pity on my face, and I'll use that to get a good look at my hair and forehead wrinkles. Are my ears really that big? I bet that's what he's looking at. He can't get enough of my huge elephant ears. Look at all these plastic surgery ads. I wonder why they advertise on the bus.

What does this have to do with the issues? How far would granting me gorgeous curl body and volume advance the cause of bettering the human condition? How does this seemingly trivial topic fit in with the by now famous themes of this acclaimed issue-laden blog--namely humanism, virtuosity, righteousness, seriousness, counterterrorism, war, the economy, and evil (it's all there people, check the labels)? I promise you that I will dispense with each of these items one by one and explain, in detail, what it has to do with humans and so on. I can do it while I wait for the hair serum to work.

[Intelligent debate about important things interrupted by the military-industrial complex. No you shut up, we do exist.]

So, to sum up, ending the suffering of all but the most foregone people can be accomplished with little if no effort and won't cost us more than twenty cents over the next three years. And for just fifty-nine cents more we can supersize our order and save those last few poor sods as well.

And that's how deep conditioner saved the world.